


Happy Now

by shyverrr (akira_marq)



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Angst, Being Unable to Move On, Break Up, M/M, Moving On, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 07:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19313539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akira_marq/pseuds/shyverrr
Summary: You and me, it was good, but it wasn't right...Two years. Two years of 'accidentally' meeting up on their anniversary. Two years of clinging to the past. Two years of Will being unable to move on from Zach. Two years of Zach being unable to forget Will.Two years, and Will is determined to stop the count-up there.Based onHappy Now, by Kygo and Sandro Cavazza.





	Happy Now

**Author's Note:**

> A quick thing I wrote to preoccupy myself during a bout of anxiety.  
> Almost entirely dialogue, with speaker differentiated by alignment. Centre-alignment is reserved for song lyrics.

_Damn, this hike never gets easier, does it._

_Not that I need it to. It’s… it’s a good reminder of… of why I’m here, I guess._

Huff… Fuck, it’s hot out.

 

we don’t wanna believe it  
that it’s all gone

 

Haah… Ah.

_At least the view is still nice._

 

just a matter of minutes  
before the sun goes down

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

Hey.

 

Hey, yourself. I should have known I would see you here.

_I almost wished you weren’t going to be here. Then I realised that was a lie, and that I wanted to see you, so much._

 

Yeah, I- I guess so.

_This is going to be rough._

…

God, how long have we been doing this? Two years?

_Two years of- of a tradition, sort of. Two years that end today._

Two whole years of- of-

Of meeting on this hill on the two most important days of our- our, uh, our relationship?

That sounds weird.

 

…

… The relationship part?

 

Yeah- no, no, not like that, that’s not what I meant.

Fuck. Don’t look at me so sad like that, that’s not what I meant, I just- I don’t know. “Our relationship” sounds so formal and weird. And we’re still- we’re still friends, right? That’s like, a type of relationship, right?

_We’re still friends, right?_

_Please?_

_…_

_Please?_

 

Yeah. You're right.

_Just friends._

 

_…_

_That shouldn’t matter to me as much as it does._

…

Well, don’t just stand there, sit down with me. I already feel short around you, don’t make it worse!

…

Haha, you idiot, don’t sit on me!

Joke, joke.

_That wasn’t a good move._

Seriously, though, I have no idea why this bench is still here, this thing is broken as fuck because it literally looks broken and is somehow still standing.

In-fucking-sane.

 

Yeah.

Heh.

...

 

...

 

we're afraid to admit it  
but i know you know

 

_I shouldn’t be here._

_I should have let you be here alone._

_I shouldn’t keep intruding on you, this is your thing to mourn, I-_

_I’m the one who abandoned this. I shouldn’t mourn its death._

_I killed it._

I’m sorry.

This-

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep doing this to you. I should have stayed home this time, I shouldn’t have put you through this again, I’m-

 

It’s fine!

_Is it?_

It’s fine.

_Really?_

Really.

_Really._

Besides, if it really bothered me I just wouldn’t show up.

 

Uh-huh, sure. Look, I dated you for three years.

I know you need more resolution than that.

_Three fucking years, down the drain. I- how could I have done that?_

_I could have kept trying…_

 

_..._

_Why does he still remember how I am?_

 

_..._

_I'm sorry._

 

_Fuck._

You know I don’t blame you, right?

I- I made my peace with it a while ago. It wasn’t your fault. We- we tried. We really did.

Sometimes trying just doesn’t work.

I know. I know you don’t blame me. I know we-

God, we almost made it. We almost did it.

 

we should've known better

but kept on trying

 

Almost did the impossible.

 

At the time, we didn’t even know it was impossible.

_That no one would be able to maintain a serious relationship across team lines in professional League of Legends._

I still remember thinking that- that we were, you know.

_Forever._

Invincible.

That we were going to get married and adopt some kids or something, get some dogs, you know, live happily ever after…

Just a gay and a bi, and nothing else in the world that mattered.

 

_It wasn’t just him who thought that._

Well, we were all children once.

 

…

_You’ve grown up._

That’s, like, the most mature thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. Holy fuck, dude, when did you get a _brain?_

 

Oh, somewhere between getting fucked by 100 Thieves and working with Flyquest.

_Okay, depression, simmer down._

 

 Yo, you gotta tell me where I get that shit, I need one.

 

Hahaha, yeah, you’re definitely in need of a brain.

 

Shut the fuck up, haha!

Ah...

Real talk, though…

_Even though you probably should…_

I know you don’t blame me.

 

Good.

 

What I’m worried about is you blaming yourself.

_You always did._

 

and it’s time that we see it  
the fire’s dying out _  
_

 

...

 

...

Am I right?

 

...

_He's not wrong._

Six months ago, you would have been.

 

I’m sorry. Does it-  
Does it hurt that I still worry about you? I can’t stop worrying about you.

I wonder how you’re doing a lot. Sometimes- sometimes I watch your streams just to hear your voice. It’s stupid.

…

_I wish I could take back everything I just said._

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be telling you these things.

 

Why not?

 

can’t believe that i say this  
we’re out of chances now

 

Because I shouldn’t.

I-

_I killed this._

_The murderer doesn’t get to mourn the victim’s death._

_I killed us._  
_…_

_I can’t tell you that. God, I sound like a psychopath._

Okay, this is going to sound mean, but I don’t want to give you hope. Whether accidentally or because that- because that old part of me is…

_Is still here._

Is still there.

I don’t want to draw you close and then push you away and hurt you even more.

 

...

Might want to let go of my hand, then.

 

Shit.

_When did that happen?_

_How familiar is your body that I know where your hands are going to be? That I can hold your hand without thinking?_

I’m sorry.

 

It’s okay.

_The air is kind of cold on my hands without his in mine._

_I had forgotten how that coldness felt._

_I guess I mostly forgot how the warmth was._

Really, it’s okay, I was just kidding.

If it makes you feel better, you can squeeze my wrist instead.

 

...

 

_Ow._

Okay, I said squeeze, not cut off circulation, ahaha!

 

Sorry.

 

It's okay.

 

But you-

You’re sure you don’t blame yourself any more?

100% sure?

_It wasn’t your fault!_

 

Not any more.

I mean…

_Damn. How much do I want to tell him?_

I definitely did. I definitely hated myself for- for driving you away-

 

But you didn't-!

 

For somehow losing your love, then.

_You know how I am. It’s easier for me to take responsibility for something I never could do than accept there was nothing I could do._

_Don’t argue with that._

_Please._

I know now that it wasn’t my fault, but I still somehow lost your love, and that’s just how it happened. I thought that- I thought-

 

i thought we would make it  
if i just held on

 

I thought that I should have tried harder to fight for you.

_In the movies, the winner gets the boy. Why couldn’t I win? I should have tried harder._

 

But you never- I never- it-

_It wasn’t your fault._

It wouldn’t have mattered.

I would have left either way. It wouldn’t have mattered what you had done. I-

 

but it’s really crazy  
how love could fade so fast

 

I just…

You didn’t lose my love. I lost it. That-

_It wasn’t your fault._

It wasn’t your fault, it- it was mi-

 

**No.**

_I can’t take this any more._

No, don’t even say that.

Neither of us were to blame. It just…

It just happens sometimes.

Sometimes love just drains away without you noticing, and it’s not your fault. It’s not mine, either. It was immature of me to think that I could have done something, but…

Well, you know me.

Being helpless…

 

… you never could take it.

I’m sorry.

 

Don't be.

 

...

 

Seriously, you don't have to be. You shouldn't be sorry. Please.

 

...

 

Oh, no, please don’t cry…

_I can’t take these meetings any more._

 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I-

 

Oh my Go-ha-ha-od, don’t apologise for it! It’s okay. Just- ah, fuck, I know I brought some tissues, where are they…

_If he wasn’t here, I was going to bawl my eyes out. Hence the need for tissues._

Here you go.

 

Thanks.

_I shouldn't be crying._

 

You alright?

 

No.

 

Yeah, didn’t think so.

…

_Distract him._

Look, there’s a bird.

 

...

_He remembers._

 

See? It’s flying across and- whoa, it’s swooping down…

Dude, it caught something.

 

R-really?

_He remembers how to stop me from crying._

 

Yeah.

Ewww, that’s pretty gross. You can see the guts kinda trailing in the wind.

 

That’s disgusting, haha.

_I shouldn’t be letting him do this._

 

Haha, I know, right?

Wait, I think- oh, the bird has a nest.

_A family. A mate, somewhere. A plan for the future._

_…_

_A 401(k). Heh._

_Haha._

_Ha._

_That bird is better off than I am right now._

 

That's cool.

 

Yeah.

...

Better?

 

...

Yeah.

Thanks.

 

No problem.

_This is okay. I'm gonna be okay._

 

I…

I just…

I remembered some things.

I miss them.

 

Oh.

... like...?

 

Getting bubble tea with you. I-

I remembered you liked the actual tea flavours and I thought you were fucking crazy.

 

Yeah? You still ordered them for me, though.

And you took a sip out of mine every single time and made the same face…

_Scrunched-up, cute, adorable, and then he would stick his tongue out and say, “I can’t believe you drink this stuff,” and he would giggle, and I would grin._

 

It was bitter! I still have no idea how you possibly drank a whole cup of that shit.

_You don’t need to know I order one sometimes._

_It's not as bad as I always said it was._

 

See, that’s the same question I have about you drinking that- that weird, like-

 

Fruit smoothies?

 

Yeah, the fruity flavours! Those things were _disgustingly_ sweet.

_And they were my favourite for the whole first year after we broke up._

_Peach and strawberry. He loved them the most. I drank both flavours on the first anniversary we wouldn’t spend together._

_And then I couldn’t sleep, so I hiked up the hill we had our first date on, and he was here anyway._

 

Haha, different tastes, I guess…

And…

And I… _  
_

 

And...?

 

And that- that- that body pillow I got with your face on it…

 

Oh yeah, I remember that.

Mostly because of how you wanted something that smelled like me to take with you, so you made us sleep with it for a month before you went on vacation. Waking up to my own face in front of me is something I’ll never forget, ha.

_Waking up with you is something I’ll never forget, ha.  
_

 

It was important to me! It was important to me.

_It was more than important._

_Keeping you with me meant the world to me._

 

I know. It was cute, to be honest.

Weird, but cute.

_More than cute. I loved you for it._

…

What happened to it? The pillow. _  
_

 

_It’s in my attic.  
_

_I…  
_

_There was a rip in it once, six inches long, right through your face. An accident, I swear. I was crying and I had the razor in my hand, waving it around, and I just so happened to hit the pillow.  
_

_Lynn mended it for me yesterday._

…

I don’t know. I don’t have it any more.

I think I threw it away after the breakup. It hurt to keep it around.

 

...

 

I'm sorry.

 

Don’t be. Really. Don’t be.

I-

_Fuck._

You know how I used to save those- like, the other half of the movie ticket? The half they hand back to you?

 

The ticket stubs?

 

Yeah, those. I- well, I had a collection of them from all those movies we saw together. I-

_I hid it away, once, because it hurt to look at after we had- well, you know._

I burned them.

_Mostly._

About five months ago.

_It was one of the proudest moments of my life._

 

Oh.

_I shouldn’t be sad about that. It was my decision to leave, I shouldn’t be sad about-  
_

 

Putting them in the trash just didn't seem right.

_He was worth more than that. He still is. He always will be._

 

Oh. That makes sense.

 

 _And he doesn’t need to know that I still keep_ _the one from the night we first kissed._

... yeah.

There's a lot, isn't there.

 

Three whole years' worth.

_Three whole years, down the drain._

 

we said ‘forever,’ but now  
we’re in the past

 

We...

Fuck.

 

_I mean, we did… but now probably isn’t the time for jokes.  
_

Oh, you… Don’t cry. _  
_

_Please, he needs to stop crying.  
_

_There aren’t enough tissues for both of us._

 

I'm sorry.

 

It's okay. Honestly.

It really is. Really.

 

...

 

I...

I'm going to be honest.

 

_Always were._

 

you and me  
it was good  
but it wasn’t right

 

You and me, it was wonderful. It really was. I miss it sometimes. I miss you.

Still.

But the fact is, we weren’t right for each other. I…

We were perfect friends. We never would have been a perfect couple.

 

But we were, we-

 

If we were, you wouldn't have ended it.

 

_Fuck.  
_

 

Something I did wasn’t enough for you, and I can respect that. That’s okay. Honestly. It is, it’s okay, I accept that.

I know I’m not perfect.

 

_But no one is!_

 

I wasn’t perfect for you. I wasn’t right.

You and me, it was good, but it wasn’t _right._

 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, I-

I’m sorry.

We were so good, I should have been satisfied, I’m sorry, I-

 

**Zach, stop.**

I can’t take it any more - your apologies, your guilt, the way you cling to what’s left of us. I’m not trying to be mean to you, I just-

_It’s time to get down to business._

I can’t keep clinging to these little things.

I’m not coming here any more.

_I’m going to be the phoenix._

_I’ve been hiding in ashes for two long years._

_It’s time to rise._

 

_What?_

 

Next time it’s the anniversary of us getting together, I’m staying home. Probably getting drunk. Maybe out partying. But I’m not going to be here.

_I’m going to meet new people-_

_People to pull me past him in life._

_I’ve spent too much time stuck on him already._

 

And the next time it’s the anniversary of us breaking up, I’m going out with friends. Maybe the Optic gang, maybe the old P1, maybe jungle buddies, maybe some academy bros… I don’t know who, but I won’t be here.

_I’m going to reconnect with the past-_

_The past without him in it._

_I’ve spent too much time lingering on that already._

 

step by step  
i’ll move on  
and get on with life

 

I wanted to sew up some loose ends.

_I didn’t want to just drop him. I had the feeling he would come back._

At some point, I need to stop holding on to this. We’re friends, and I like that, I like being friends with you.

But I’m done walking the line between friends and casual boyfriends.

 

_Oh._

_I’m sorry._

_I really have hurt you._

_I’m sorry._

I’m s-

 

**Don't.**

 

_Oh._

 

I’m letting go, Zach.

I’ve been holding onto this for too long. I’m letting go.

Completely.

_Well, not completely… But I’m not doing these deep talks with him that give me too much hope and too much sadness all at once, not any more._

 

Oh.

I-

Oh.

 

You’re happy with Lynn. I… I always accepted that you two were a thing, that you two are better than we were, but I never really made my peace with it, if you know what I mean. So. Now I’m going to be at peace with it.

_Even if I have to walk through fire to do it, I’m getting over you._

 

Oh.

 

...

 

...

_I'm sorry._

_You never deserved to hurt this much. How long have you been hurting, my love? Have you- has your heart been bleeding for two whole years, now?  
_

_I can’t believe I did this to you.  
_

_I’m sorry.  
_

 

So.

 

So.

 

How's it going with the waifu?

 

Y-you mean Lynn?

_Duh, obviously._

 

Obviously. What, are you, haha, cheating on her with an anime pillow?

 

No way, haha. Yeah, she’s doing well. We’re doing well. Got a new cosplay coming up, actually.

_She’s amazing. You are, too._

 

Cool, cool. Does…

Does she make you happy? I hope you’ll be happy now, with her.

 

I- Will, I was happy with you, too-

_I could be happy with you again-_

_No._

_I ended it._

_I can’t be the one to begin it anew._

_That’s just me turning his heart into my plaything._

 

I’m not asking you to compare us and choose. You’ve already chosen. I accept that.  
I just want to make sure you’re happy with her. You deserve happiness. _  
_

_You deserve to be happy forever.  
_

 

I… I am. _  
_

_Am I as happy as I was with you?  
_

She’s wonderful. Amazing. She seems to understand me perfectly, you know? I wouldn’t trade her for the world. _  
_

_Would I trade her for you?  
_

_…  
_

_I don’t know.  
_

_No.  
_

_No.  
_

_No.  
_

 

Good. I want you to be happier. I hope you’ll be happy, now. _  
_

 

I was happy.

 

No, Zach. No, you weren’t. You weren’t happy with me, that’s why you broke up with me.

You’re not happy. That’s why I’m ending this vague thing we still have.

 

Wha- I am happy, I swear, I love her-

 

And yet you’re still clinging to me. To what we were.

It seems to me like you’re trying to compare me and her, to choose between me and her, and I don’t want you to have to choose, so I won’t let you.

**I. Am. Not. An. Option.**

 

so i let go  
and i hope  
you’ll be happy now.

 

I’m moving on, Zach. I’m getting on with life. I’m letting go of whatever this abstract relationship is, we’re friends now, nothing more than that, just past teammates, past best friends, past lovers. Long-time friends.

 

_No…_

 

I hope your heart will be less conflicted with me around. You and Lynn really have something, it shows. You smile a lot around her in a certain way… And she loves you too, so much. It’s plain to see.

 

_B-but…_

 

I hope you two will be happy now.

…

I hope _you’ll_ be happy now.

…

 

...

 

...

See you at LCS.

 

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

 

The soft sounds of sobs.

 

\---

 

you and me

it was good

but it wasn’t right

it’ll be hard

but i know

i will make it out

step by step

i’ll move on

and get on with life

so i let go

and i hope

you’ll be

Happy Now

.

..

…

 

\---

 

_I'm not sure I will be._


End file.
